The Begotten Craziness

Now a follow-up from last post…
Sorry it took this long, but trying to fit it in between the whirlwind a family and friends deemed itself a tad bit problematic. But I digress, back to the Begotten Craziness.

Sunday:

It’s my last night in Vancouver before I head back home to Lloydmister, Alberta (home) en route to Mexico with my parents after Xmas. So with a group of friends, we went to the restaurant Wings on Granville off Davie for dinner and a couple drinks – excellent place I must add.

A few drinks ends up turning into quite a few drinks.

Quite a few drinks turns into even more drinks.

Last call, we polish off our drinks and head out. Three of us going in the same direction.

Walking down Davie, we stop to take a leek on the side of a building. (This is another one of those stories that I won’t mention names, by the way.) So me and “Joe” and joking around and kicking this granite pillar. Hahaha. We turn and start off again on our way up the street.

*CRASH!*

The loudest shattering noise I think I’ve ever heard.

“Bob” comes running from around the corner like, “Oh shit! I didn’t know it was going to break!” Naturally we all book it out of there.

A few blocks later, we stop… for no good reason I might add… to talk to with some guy standing at the corner having a smoke. Then up rolls a cop car. And a regular guy steps out from the back seat.

Me: “Wow man, did you just get a cab ride from the cops!?”
Cop Car Cab Ride: “Sir please put your hands behind your back.”
Me: “What?”
Handcuffs!
Undercover Cop: “You have the right to blah blah blah...”

Like five other cops pile out of the car like group of clowns, going over to Bob and Joe, cuffing them and giving them the same schpeel.

Undercover Cop: “…do you understand the rights and whatever as I have read them to you?”
Me: “Not really.”
Undercover Cop goes on about my rights again in confusing cop jargon: “…do you understand?”
Me: “Um… not excessively…”
Undercover Cop doesn’t like that I’m not understanding him because he has to repeat himself until I do. So bad start there.

Then he starts questioning me about “the damage done to the window” and what I know about it. I saw absolutely nothing and partook in no activities related to breaking a window, so I tell him: “Nothing officer. I know nothing about a broken window.”

Meanwhile I can hear Bob telling the other officer repeatedly, “I’m sorry officer, I didn’t mean to break the window, honestly. It was an accident, all my fault, let these guys go, they had nothing to do with it. They didn’t even know that I did it. I can pay for the window no problem. I just don’t want to cause any trouble for these guys.”

Meanwhile, an officer comes up to me and asks: “How much money do you have on you right now? You’re gonna have to give us money to pay for that window, or we’re gonna throw you in jail for mischief! You wanna go to jail?”
Me: “Not try to be smart with you officer; but that kind of sounds like extortion…”
Big Cop: “Extortion, huh!? You wanna spend the night in jail? Keep trying to be smart with me and see how that works!”
Undercover #2: “I’ve got three witnesses that say you’re the one that broke the window! You’re gonna get a criminal record if you don’t fess up and pay us this money tonight!”

At this point, respect for these officers goes directly to zero because I know that I didn’t break the window. And he knows I didn’t break the window. And Bob has been saying for the last 15 minutes that he’s the one that broke the window and accepting the responsibility for his actions.

Me: “Oh yeah? You’ve got three witnesses that say I did it, huh? Can you give me the first names of these witnesses? Because I didn’t break any window so I’m pretty sure you’re trying to entrap me right now officer. Are these witnesses willing to testify? Because I’m not falling for this.”
Undercover #2 is PIIIIIISSED for call him on his BS!
Bob: “No dude, I told you, these guys had nothing to do with it. It was my fault.”
Undercover #2: “Don’t call me dude! Step away and show some respect!”

So they take Bob off to the side to talk with him about the whole event in private, leaving me and Joe off by ourselves. Meanwhile we just shoot the shit and joke around a bit with the cop watching us. By now the officer can obviously tell that we’re not felons and that we’re obviously decent people who mean no harm to anyone.

Then Undercover #1 comes back and tells us: “We just talked to your friend over there and he’s telling us that he can’t afford to pay for all the damage tonight. The storekeeper has come down and estimated the damage at $500 but your friend can only afford to pay $400 tonight. Can you guys afford to spot him for the extra $100? This is the only thing that’s going to be keeping him out of jail tonight!”

Me & Joe: “Yeah, no problem officer.”
Undercover #1: “Your buddy’s lucky to have friends like you. We’re going to take you down to an ATM to get the money.”
Me: “Are we going to be able to give the money directly to the owner?”
Undercover #1: “Yes, of course. Let’s go, we’re not running a taxi service here.”

Then the patty wagon pulls around. And I’m not sure how much the general Joki Chronicle reading populace knows about patty wagons, but there is a section for groups of people of 3-5, then there’s another section for “solitary.” So they put me and Joe in the back and Bob up in solitary.

Little to the knowledge of Joe and I, Bob never had the money to pay for the window. Not a penny. He told us later that he lost his wallet and explained previously and in great detail to the officers the situation and that he would be not be able to pay tonight but that in the morning if they write him a ticket he can pay it first thing.

Now once we get to the ATM they let Joe and I out of the back and Undercover #1 says to us: “Apparently your friend there can’t way for the window tonight, he lost his bank card. So are you two going to be able to spot him the money for the window? This is the only thins that’s keeping you all out of jail tonight as accessories to mischief.”

…what?
“Accessories to mischief!!??!?!”
How in the name of Satan does that even make ANY damned sense!?

So anyway, Joe and I saw: “Yes, of course officer, we can lend him the money, no worries.”
They take Joe over and he gets them the lot of 500 bones out the ATM.
Joe: “So am going to give this to the owner directly?”
Undercover #1: “Well I don’t think the owner really wants to see you guys right now.”
Joe: “So how am I going to know that the owner gets the money?”
Undercover #1: “Well I’ve wrote down in my little black notebook here that you’ve given me the money…”
Joe: “…You mean that book with all the pages ripped out of it? I’m not going to lie officer, this all seems pretty dodgy…”
Joe gives Undercover #1 the money.

Cop: “Okay, your friend gave us the money so you’re all free to go.”
They uncuff us and send us on our way. No "receipt" or claim number, or any sort of proof that we actually paid them the money for window. My best bet; $500 split 5 ways amongst the officers.

[END… more or less]

No the lessons I left with that night:
1) If you don't understand your rights, tell them.
2) Ask for a badge number and the officers name before you say anything.
3) Handcuffs are not comfy.
4) Sometimes cops are so full of crap that they'll try to convince you that "accessory to mischief" is criminal offense.


…how’s for a hollow-up to Saturday night?

Craziness Begets Craziness

A last minute post before I hit the hay and leave Van, back to Lloydminster AB at 5am tomorrow morning. >;-O


So let's quickly sum up Saturday and Sunday night... "long story short" version 'cus i really have to go to bed soon.

Saturday:
Started out like any other regular night, spent an hour and half waiting in line to buy a friend a birthday shot at Caprice, waiting meanwhile for Marc-Anthony (roommate) to get downtown from work and go hit the clubs with him. Needless to say, gave up on that endeavor after that point when Marc and Friend 1 (I'm just not going to use names here for reasons soon to be crystal clear... she's a female by the way) swing by Caprice to pick me up, go to another club, trying to get a bit of a buzz going again since that line waste most of my flavor so far. Club's dead, so we have a drink and leave to go to Friend 2's place.

Get to Friend 2's place, people there are Friend 2's Girlfriend, Friend 3 (female), and Friend 3's Co-Worker (female). Things are classy, all is copacetic, having fun. Co-Worker is kind of an odd duck, but still. Co-Worker jokes about cut on her wrist while she was cooking chicken as looking like a suicide attempt. We play a drinking game. Building that buzz back Then randomly Co-Worker starts trying to start shit with everyone, telling Friend 2 to "shut the *expletive deleted* up" and so forth.

Friend 2: "Please don't tell me to shut the *expletive deleted* up in my own house. That's the third time I asked you not to say that, next time you can leave, ok?"
Co-Worker: "Listen, my boyfriend's a cop -- I'm with the police. You don't wanna mess with me. Maybe there's something in your past that you don't want to have come out, you know!"
Friend 2: "Are you trying to say that I'm a criminal?"

Friend 2 and Co-Worker continue.

Meanwhile, Friend 3 is getting embarrassed for inviting Co-Worker and storms off.
Girlfriend goes to console Friend 3.
Co-Worker follows, feeling guilty that she's embarrassing Friend 3.
Girlfriend tells Co-Worker to just go back to the living room and let her talk with Friend 3.
Co-Worker doesn't like that idea.
*SCREAM*
Co-Worker: "She's MY friend! I want to talk to her" Meanwhile trying to rip Girlfriend's hair out.
Friend 2 rushes in save Girlfriend, wrestles Co-Worker away from Girlfriend and drags her to the door. "Get out of my house! You're not welcome here any more!"
Co-Worker drops purse: several bottles of medication fall out.
Friend 1 and I help her get her stuff together and try getting her outside into a cab. Meanwhile, she's crying and apologizing and confessing to us all the trials and tribulations of her life and how she just wants to end her life, et cetera, et cetera, going back and forth crying on different shoulders.

After 20 minutes or so of heart-to-hearts and trying to calm her down so we can go out and start looking for a cab, Friend 1 says: "I'm just gonna grab a smoke from you while I go grab you taxi, ok?" and reaches for her purse.

Co-Worker goes ape shit!
Starts swearing at and insulting Friend 1.

Friend 1 is fed up so she pushes Co-Worker out the front door and goes back up to the apartment. Marc comes down.

Together Marc and I go out in the snow to find this broad a cab.

A Half Hour, easy.

Nothing!

Co-Working is stumbling all over the place on ice in the snow in open toed heels. Marc and I trade off between cab searching and heart-to-hearts/keeping her upright.

Cab passes but doesn't stop. Who want so pick up two guys with one girl who looks like she could have been ruffied!?!?

Co-Worker shows me the other scars on her wrists. There's a lot of them.

Finally we flag one down.

She doesn't want to go, she wants to stay with us. She tries kissing me and getting me to come in the cab with her. Obviously not going to happen.

Give the cabby $20 and tell him that's his tip for bringing this girl wherever she needs to go. Close the door...
Cab leaves.

Time: 5:00am
Night: A complete and total write-off!
Buzz/Vibe: Thoroughly (and BRUTALLY) killed.

END

Wow, that was longer than I thought!
I'm going to save Sunday's shenanigans for another post... I'll give you this little teaser though: It involves handcuffs! ;)


Stay tuned!
(Flight in 6.5 hours... d'oh!)

Elektric Funk!

Yo, check out my friend DJ Zeus' blog at www.elektricfunk.blogspot.com. He's got lots of great music on it. So check it out if you're cool and you want a source for music that's as cool as you are!

Word!
Joki out.

Best Commercial EVER!

Honestly, I laugh myself to tears every single time I watch this! (And I've seen it like a thousand times!)

I Jizzed In My Pants (SNL)

Props to Marc-Anthony for showing me this.

Apparently embedding has been disabled for this post so check it out HERE, it's F'ing hilarious!

PEACE


I Jizzed In My Pants (SNL)

Words of Wisdom

"Home is where you're naked."

-Brett Webster

Words of Advice: First Installment

I decided to start doing "Words of Advice" installments to my blog... just a little bit of arcane Joki wisdom that I is my duty to impart amongst my readers. So my first bit of advice:


Spiced rum and Doctor Pepper just really isn't a good mix...

A Rap Battle: Translated

Props to Mahe for bringing this to my attention. Something that I also found dupiously hilarious. Enjoy!